From Burnout to Burning Bright: Lucy’s Journey

I honestly can’t believe the difference in our 13 year-old daughter Lucy since starting home education just over a year ago. We never really saw this coming. She’d been pretty happy in primary school , but it was a completely different experience in secondary school. 

Her teachers all said she was fine, she was doing well and they had no concerns. At home, she was crying every morning and night about school, not sleeping, barely speaking and unable to enjoy anything. It was agonising to watch. I felt so helpless and didn’t understand. That’s the problem with children who mask, it’s hard to understand the issues going on. I was told I just needed to push her more. I’m sure the school thought I was mad and that I was making it up or making a fuss over nothing. But with hindsight, I can see that she was simply overwhelmed and it was all too much for a gentle, sensitive child.

By the end of Year 7 we started to get concerned that she might harm herself if things continued. Fortunately, I’d stumbled across unschooling/low demand parenting and all the relevant resources (Naomi Fisher’s books and webinars in particular) which were a lightbulb moment really. These gave me enough belief in home education to deregister her from school after one single, horrendous day back in Year 8. 

It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t planned, and to start with I was reeling. I think our saving grace was that I’d realised by this time that I had to stop pushing /cajoling her into doing things. So whilst I really wanted her to join home-ed classes and groups, I was very mindful not to force her (although that wasn’t easy as my old habits were ingrained). 

It was clear right from the start that a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders, but Lucy was very shutdown and anxious initially   Panicking, we signed her up to online lessons but these brought her to tears so we stopped after a week. We tried joining some local home ed groups but she became incredibly anxious every time we went anywhere. She wasn’t able to speak, smile or engage and would ask to leave after 5 minutes. I found it really upsetting to see her so shutdown, and after a while we stopped trying to introduce her to new opportunities. 

For about six months, she spent most of her time on a screen in her bedroom playing games and watching videos. I tried to connect with her by showing an interest in what she was doing (and to try and keep her safe online). She loves animals and so this was the only reason she would leave the house, to go and see ponies at local stables. 

She was quite lonely at this point and did get bored. I remember her crying wishing she had some home-ed friends, but she was too anxious to join anything. But there were green shoots emerging – she was more chatty at home, she started reading (easy) books again, and started drawing a bit. Even though I was working from home and there was more to juggle, family life was easier because she was less distressed. However, it was hard not to worry as I had no idea where we were heading. 

Slowly, we started linking up with other families through local facebook home ed groups or friends-of-friends we were put in touch with. Slowly Lucy started to develop a small number of home-ed friends. She would have people round or she would spend a day at a friend’s house. 

After eight months we found a very small home-ed group who met each week to play board games. She agreed to try this and enjoyed it, so we signed up.  Exactly one year into our home-ed journey, we went to an open morning for the Streams learning hub in Bristol and she asked if she could go!  I was so shocked and delighted! We’d tried this at the start of her home-ed journey and she completely shut down on entering the building. After a couple of attempts in the early days, I had pretty much given up hope of her joining. 

Fast forward 12 months and I now drop her off each week to stay at the hub for the full day of art and drama and she comes home on a high. She’s made new friends and absolutely loves it. There is no pushing or cajoling, it’s her choice. She also wanted to start doing more formal lessons this year, so we signed her up to live online science lessons. Whilst we agreed she would keep her camera off and only respond in the chat, I recently heard that she’s turning her camera on in the lessons and engaging with the class.  

I could go on for hours about the progress we’re seeing. All the things she asks to do, how well she knows herself, and the lovely comments I hear from people who have witnessed her journey and can clearly see her thriving. The further we travel the less I worry. We may not be taking the conventional route, but I have no doubt whatsoever that it’s the best route for her. 

For privacy reasons, the names in this story have been changed. The author has chosen to remain anonymous.

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